Today, I witnessed the construction of the first Valentines display to hit my local shops…The array of cards & gifts made me uncontrollably cringe. Before I get coined the love scrooge, I feel the concept of valentines is alright i guess (if you find joy in forcing your other half to spend time with you and receiving generic gifts…I for one wouldn’t be fussed over flowers, they make my nose itch and die after a week anyways.) Personally, I feel that its important to treat your loved ones like princes/princesses every single day and not just over one manufactured day filled with high expectations and complete lack of spontaneity. However, if you fancy mixing up feb 14th this year and feel like being a complete ar**hole, I’ve constructed a list of ways to ruin Valentines Day.
1. Call your date/significant other by your ex’s name. Do this at least 3 times.
2. Take them to an overly priced restaurant and pretend you’ve forgotten your wallet. Let them venture out to use the ATM and once they’ve returned, shout ‘JUST JOKING’ in an extremely high pitched tone.
3. Don’t splash out on chocolates and flowers, a CD containing all of Psy’s Gangnam style remixes should do…dubstep, instrumental and a mash up version if they’re lucky.
4. Make them a cake.
6. Give them a list of things they could improve on, personality wise.
7. Buy a bouquet of roses, infest them with red ants.
8. Wrap up an iPhone 5 box..inside, write ‘I love you’ on a piece of paper and tape to the middle. When they look dissapointed with the lack of smartphone, call them ungrateful and offer them planned play time on yours.
9. Girls, pretend to propose and watch the bastards squirm! (Make sure you film the reactions)
10. Change your cover + profile to a sickeningly cringe worthy edited photo of you and your partner. Tag your close friends & family and await the soppy comments.