How to survive the MTR

Thanks to my last job being located in Po Lam, I used to have the pleasure of spending 3 hours on the MTR a day. While it was probably one of the most mundane & soul crushing 6 months of my life, being the loser that I am, I decided to find ways to make these boring journeys somewhat bearable and comfortable. From analyzing certain parts of trains which wouldn’t be as claustrophobic, to stops the most people would exit. It had become an obsession trying to survive the MTR experience and I’m thankful I have made it through such a traumatic experience.

Here are some tips:-

Always walk to the end of the platform. More likely to get a seat & less likely have to endure the stench of sweat and nose picking.

Be ruthless. People in HK do not give a flying turtle about your feelings, broken bones or manners. It doesn’t matter if you’re stood at the front of the line or even preggers, you will get pushed around…especially if you’re an expat. Hold your head up and stick your elbows out.

If you want a seat, be awkward. Apparently its socially acceptable to dry hump strangers on the MTR. If you want a seat, do not congregate near the doors. Place yourself directly in the middle of a row of seats! This way, one person is either bound to feel uncomfortable and get up or you’ll be the first one in when they have reached their stop. The best way to be is sneaky.

Do not draw attention to yourself. This one time I decided to reapply some mascara during rush hour and a kind hearted woman decided it was appropriate to loudly ask the other passengers if they thought it was acceptable for a white b**ch to be living in Hong Kong. I can safely say, I would rather look like a make up less dog then go through that episode again!

Do not make eye contact with ANYONE for longer than 2 seconds. Guys will think you’re interested in them and girls will think you’re giving them evils. Don’t even get me started on the couples…. I once had this classy woman scream the train down as she thought I was checking her boyfriend out, his shoes had wings okay….WINGS. I HAD to look.

 ALWAYS take the stairs. As soon as the door opens, it’s reminds me of a scene out of that creepy film, Willard. A bunch of human decapitating rats running towards their next meal is what resembles MTR central station’s escalators. I’d rather not, thank you.